Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
