I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
