I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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