The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
