Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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