Michael Bay diarrhea
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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