either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
