I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Randomize
