I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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