i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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