The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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