I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
