i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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