When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
