I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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