We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
