you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
