If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize
