I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i will never coherently bang her
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize