I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
