there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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