I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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