Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
