No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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