What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
