We're like a lot better than the average bears
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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