You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
