You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
