It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
