i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
