paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
