you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
