Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize