It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Let's get the cat blown out
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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