What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
3 2 1 whiskey
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
