Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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