i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
There are leaves in my underwear?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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