I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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