i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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