im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
