you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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