im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
