did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
