Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
