Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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