before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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