i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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