i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
