We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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