I wish I only lived at night.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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