Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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