So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
