last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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