Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
