We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
